In XGH you don’t think, you do the first thing that comes to your mind. There is no second option as the first one is faster.
The XGH way is exactly like the first two but faster. XGH is faster than any development process you know (see Axiom 14).
For every solved problem using XGH seven more problems are created. And all of them will be solved using XGH. Therefore XGH tends to the infinite.
Errors only come to exist when they appear.
It solves the problem? It compiled? You commit and don’t think about it anymore.
If things go wrong your part will always be correct… and your colleagues will be the ones dealing with the problems.
Schedules given to you by your clients are all but important. You will ALWAYS be able to implement EVERYTHING in time (even if that means accessing the DB through some crazy script, breaking other parts of the software, etc.)
For people using XGH someday the boat sinks. As time passes the system grows into a bigger and bigger monster. You better have your resumé ready for when the thing comes down. Or have someone else to blame.
Write code as you may want. If it solves the problem you must commit and forget about it.
If things ever go wrong just use XGH to quickly solve the problem. Whenever the problem is too big and requires rewriting the whole software it’s time for you to jump off before the whole thing goes down. (see Axiom 8)
There’s no need for a project manager. There’s no owner and everyone does whatever they want when the problems and requirements appear.
Putting TODO comments in the code as a promise that the code will be improved later helps the XGH developer. He/She won’t feel guilt for the shit he/she did. Sure there won’t be no refactoring (see Axiom 10).
Delivery dates and costs are absolute things. Quality is relative. Never think about quality but instead think about the minimum time required to implement a solution. Actually, don’t think. Do! (See Axiom 1)
XP, Scrum, Lean? Those are just trends. XGH developers don’t follow temporary trends. XGH will always be used by those who despise quality.
Many WOP require smart thinking. XGH requires no thinking (see Axiom 1).
If your colleagues use XGH and you are the only sissy who wants to do things “the right way” then quit it! For any design pattern that you apply correctly your colleagues will generate ten times more rotten code using XGH.
This axiom is very complex but it says that an XGH project is always in chaos. Don’t try to put order into XGH (see Axiom 16). It’s useless and you’ll spend a lot of precious time. This will make things go down even faster. (see Axiom 8) Don’t try to manage XGH as it’s auto-sufficient (see Axiom 11) as it’s also chaos.
While you want it XGH will always be at your side. But be careful not to abandon him. If you start something using XGH and then turn to some trendy methodology you will be fucked up. XGH doesn’t allow refactoring (see Axiom 10) and your new sissy system will collapse. When that happens only XGH can save you.
Never ever change – or even think of questioning – working code. That’s a complete waste of time, even more so because refactoring doesn’t exist (see Axiom 10). Time is the engine behind XGH and quality is just a meaningless detail.
If you ever worked with XGH you better know what you’re doing. And if you know what you’re doing why test then? Tests are a waste of time. If it compiles it’s good.
Failure and success are the same thing. People normally think that a project can have greater chances of failing when using XGH but that’s just one way of seeing it. The project failed. You learned something with it? Then for you it was a success!
Never touch a class of code which you’re not the author. When a team member dies or stays away for too long the thing will go down. When that happens use Axiom 8.
File Under: Funny